(This post is a quick draft, and frankly, much less polished than I'm usually comfortable with, but I'm trying to push past that more. If you found these ideas helpful, let me know, it'll help me decide how to come back and improve the piece, thank you! Like I'll probably split it into a more general one, and then a more manager-specific one)
Quick quiz:
- How good a listener are you?
- How good are you at making people feel heard?
Nope, they are not the same thing.
If you've never considered whether you're a good listener, you're probably a bad one, since it takes a lot of skill and attention to do it well.
And if you've never considered the difference between "listening" and "making people feel heard," you're probably not as good a listener as you thought.
Bad listeners are are physically present for conversations, but you're not paying full attention to the other person. You're thinking way more about your ideas than theirs. You may remember what they say, but you're not curious about their experience and rarely ask questions. You don't notice the pauses, the nonverbal communication, the things they're dancing around. You don't notice the difference between silences. Some silences are because they're done talking, but some are because they're still thinking, or gathering the courage to say something important. They've probably never given much thought to being a better conversationalist.
Good listeners pay attention. They notice and remember more things about the conversation. They are giving the other person their full attention, and often take pride in being a good listener. They notice and remember a lot. They may make a lot of eye contact and nod at the right times.
But here's the big misconception: they think that listening well will make the other person feel heard, but that's actually a totally different skill.
And feeling heard is the only thing that matters.
If a tree falls in a forest, did it make a sound?
If you listen, but they can't tell, were they heard?
Unheard people repeat themselves
Ever frustrated by repeated complaints from the same person? People who don't feel heard repeat themselves a lot. They try all kinds of different words to find the ones that will get through to you, until you finally understand what they're trying to say.
You both get annoyed. They get annoyed because no matter how hard they try, you're not understanding them. You get annoyed because we've talked about this already, can't we move on?
Here's what that can look like:
Them: I've been working on this for many years. I put blood, sweat, and tears into it, and it has been really hard for me, for XYZ reason.
You: [listening intently, nods]
Them: X and Y have been really rough
You: [listening intently, nodding, wondering why they're repeating themselves] Yeah!
Them: Really really rough!! I mean just X alone has been a huge pain. You can see here that it's caused this issue, and let me tell you about a time when it another problem.
You: [Wanting to make them feel better and wanting to move on] Well, at least it's a lot better now! We can....
Them: ...well, sure, but Z was such a drag on productivity for so long, it's left scars
You: [frustrated]
Them: [frustrated]
Misconception: your listening is giving them room to complain more
Reality: they are repeating themselves in an effort to feel heard, and will keep going until they see their message was received
Here's how it could play out differently:
Them: I've been working on this for many years. I put blood, sweat, and tears into it, and it has been really hard for me, for XYZ reason.
You: [listening intently, nods] wow!
Them: Yeah, it's been a big drag on the project. And super frustrating because of ABC.
You: [listening, and making them feel heard] Dang. So XYZ was really bad for you, and ABC on top of it?
Them: Yeah! It was awful. I'm really glad it's so different now. [They feel heard and can now move on to the next thing] That means that DEF project will be much simpler...
To be sure, there are some people who just complain as habit, and you may not be the right person for them to complain to. We're not addressing either of those cases here.
But if someone who otherwise doesn't complain a lot seems stuck on hammering one thing, this is often the hidden obstacle.
You might be surprised by how much shifts when you echo it back to them.
How to make them feel heard
Reflect It
Reflect it back: "it sounds like ____. Is that right?" Do as little editorializing as possible—stick to their own words as much as you can. If you're worried about being clumsy and repeating the thing back to them word for word, don't stress too much about it. You'll get better at it with practice, and finesse matters way less than you think.
Make sure your tone is genuine. Be extra careful if you don't agree with their perspective or are frustrated with them.
If they say "yeah!" and maybe elaborate, you did it! If they say "no, it's not that" that's actually great! Because they learn what you heard, and then can try again to articulate it.
Repeat reflecting back to them until they say "yeah!"
Go deeper
If appropriate, and you actually want to know, you can ask them to elaborate. Sometimes this can just be a well-timed "yeah?" followed by a pause. Or it could be open-ended questions like "what was that like?" or "what did you make of that?"
When's it my turn?
This depends on the context. If you're talking to your life partner, I would hope that you listen for a while and make them feel heard, and then you switch roles, and it feels symmetrical when averaged out over time.
But when you're the manager, or in another position of power, your relationship is not symmetrical, and neither is your listening. Often it is appropriate and useful for them to share, but not appropriate for you to share. People who are uncomfortable with the power that comes with their role can unconsciously share too much in an effort to make things more equal, or let their own need to be seen and understood take over, even in a situation where it's not applicable.
If it's appropriate to share your perspective, it can be helpful to explicitly mark the shift in conversation. That way they know you're sharing your perspective, not trying to argue with them about their perspective. This can sound like "so it sounds like your experience was [sum it up]. [They nod]. Can I share my perspective on that?"
But what if you don't agree with them?
Two really common misconceptions:
Misconception: by repeating their perspective, I'm endorsing or reinforcing it
You don't have to agree with their take. This is really important! You can echo it back without agreeing with it. You don't have to share their subjective reality to have a productive conversation. In fact, trying to get them to agree with your subjective reality often backfires! They dig in their heels and repeat harder. You argue about interpretations. Everyone leaves frustrated and stuck.
If you start from a place of accepting that everyone can have their own subjective realities, you can more easily move forward. This is counterintuitive but really works.
Let's say you closed a door. It made a sound. They think you "slammed" the door. You think you just closed it a little louder than usual.
If you think you first need to agree on whether or not it was a slam, you'll both leave frustrated and stuck on that step.
Instead, make your goal to reflect back that you understand that they think you slammed the door for just a moment so they know their message has gotten across. Then they can finally move on to the next thing!
What this looks like: "So from your perspective, I walked out and slammed the door. Is that right?"
Note: this is hard! It means letting go of your need to be seen for a moment, and if this is about conflict between you two, it may feel like admitting to things you don't feel like you actually did. But it is so effective that it'll be worth it.
Misconception: the only way to satisfy them is to do what they want
Sure, they'd love that, but it's not the only way. This comes up a lot when you're working on something and a teammate is trying to get you to do it a different way.
Them: But it would be more performant to do it this way
You: Yeah, but I don't think it'll be a big deal. The design factor is more important anyway. [you're saying: "I've thought of that, but it's less important than design." They're hearing: "I don't see the gravity of the problem"]
Them: [trying harder to get you to see the problem] but what if there's a spike! It'll kill all our latency targets and could take out downstream systems
You: [annoyed] It'll be ok! The on call engineer will just handle it [starting to think: "maybe it would be easier to just do what he wants instead of arguing about it"]
Instead:
Them: But it would be more performant to do it this way
You: [Ask a few questions to make sure you accurately understand their concern] What are you picturing as the worst-case outcome? [discuss a little]
You: OK so you're saying if X were to happen, we'd have consequence Y, right? Yes. [If you're going to do something to address it:] We'll make sure to monitor for it and be ready to roll back [Or if you're going to proceed without addressing it:] I see the risk you're flagging and agree it's a possibility. Given all the other factors in the situation, we just gotta note that risk and proceed. I know it's not perfect but it's what we're doing. Thanks for flagging that risk, it's helpful to know what potholes to avoid.
Them: Ugh ok fine
Note: they are allowed to be bummed by this, and that is theirs to carry, not yours. The goal is to make them feel heard, not get them to agree with you or love the decision.
How does this make any difference at all?
It's hard to articulate to someone who's never experienced it, and it's vanishingly rare, so there's a good chance you never have. It feels like explaining colors to someone who's always been colorblind.
Look, I get it. As a speaker, I used to keep feelings to myself unless they were actionable to the other person. If they couldn't do anything about it, why burden them about it?
And as a listener, I am very sensitive to problems and pain and feel an intense need to do something to make it better. I like feeling helpful and capable and hopeful. I used to see that as the only caring choice.
A few years ago, I was getting trained in a specific listening and reflecting methodology. I said my lines, heard the other party out, and reflected back the impact of my actions on them. It felt awful! So I asked the instructor, "ok, now what do I do about it?" and she said "there's nothing TO do." I was baffled: I'd listened, but I hadn't done anything yet.
Reader, it took me months and months to understand. How could "just listening" possibly change anything?
But it does.
You can see it on their face, when they go from trying different way after way to share what's inside them.
You can feel it in yourself, when you can see that someone actually fully sees you. Even though nothing observable changes, and no action is taken, everything feels different.
The fallacy is thinking that only action can change things.
But feeling heard changes everything.