Every family or group has its own gift-giving culture. Some want the gift to be something that both giver and receiver enjoy—a social media curmudgeon would never gift a selfie stick. In some groups, you can ask for what you like, but in others, it would horribly cheapen the whole experience. Others think gifts must be FUN! and opening a gift with any practical value is a bummer.
There's nothing like joining another family to show you the water you swim in. Right away, I got loving jokes from my in-laws about giving and asking for “practical" gifts. At first, this baffled me. Buying someone paper towel is practical, but buying them a beautiful set of Swedish sponge cloths is the gift of everyday luxury! (Yes, I see it now.)
But I'm happy to report that my in-laws have come around, giving and requesting things they'd previously describe as practical. They now see that the point is not that they're practical—it's that they're thoughtful. Those gifts are actually the gift of noticing, luxury, or convenience. It's taken me years to articulate, but here are some ways I think about gifts. If you or someone you love has been accused of giving practical gifts, here's a translation guide.
Why is a technologist and coach writing about this? First, it’s early December, which is sandwiched neatly between the Christmas frenzy and an election that’s been making me think deeply about how we can take care of each other going forward. Second, I think people underappreciate how fun it is to pick a great gift! It’s both an interesting challenge and a potent dose of care.
It’s true, you can’t make every gift a stunner. Sometimes the logistics don’t work out or you don’t have enough info to work with. It takes effort to do well and you won’t always have that.
But if you get socks from me, here’s why.
The gift of noticing
Sometimes pragmatic gifts are actually the gift of noticing. This isn’t always possible, but when you can pull it off, it’s wonderful. The trick is 1) paying attention and 2) writing down ideas. When I’m hanging out with people I know I’ll give gifts to, I jot down things they mention or I notice they could put to good use. If you actually do this you'll be in great shape when the birthday rolls around.
One good source of these ideas is the things that annoy them. You want to look for things that are annoying enough they'll love having them fixed, but not so much that they fix it themselves. Maybe you're visiting a friend who wants to bike to work more, but gets lost. They could use a secure phone holder for their bike, but may not know that exists. Maybe you're close with a family who walk their dogs every night and keep their dog leashes, collars, harnesses, bags, gloves and flashlights in a bucket on the floor of their garage. It's all a mess, they have to bend down, and they can't really see everything in it. This annoys them, but they're used to it and don't think to upgrade. They already have an unused pegboard in the garage, so all you need is some hooks and carefully timed setup to surprise and delight them on their Christmas evening dog walk. (Note: this idea is 100% reversible; use caution when messing with their core daily workflows)
Another idea source is starting from things they enjoyed, and getting them adjacent things. Did they love teaching their dog a couple tricks? Get them a dog agility course or a toy they can play with together. Do they like to watch outdoor sports? Get them hand warmers or a stadium seat to keep their butt warm.
The gift of everyday luxury
Even I will admit that an extra phone charger is a boring, practical gift. But a phone charger for every room, car, and suitcase? That's an everyday luxury.
Back in the day, we used to save the nice china for when company came over, but nowadays, who has room for two sets of dishes? Most people will buy themselves the cheapest version of a thing, not feeling like they "deserve" the upgrade version. So buying them a slightly nicer version of something they love looks practical, but is actually the gift of everyday luxury. Note: this does not need to be expensive!
- You can go deeper: get an upgraded version of something they use all the time. Morning coffee every day in a crappy $10 pot? Get the $50 one. They like cooking, but all their knives are dull? Get a nice new knife, or arrange a home visit from knife sharpener.
- Important detail: do not make mean comments about their current stuff, like you're upgrading it because it's worn out, ratty, cheap, etc. And make sure you're upgrading something they care about, not something you care about and wish they cared about. They'll know.
- You can also go adjacent: for the coffee maker, a really nice coffee mug. Or a coffee of the month club. Did they just get a new house, yard, dog, baby, car, commute, etc? Maybe they need some accessories for those things?
- Caution: stick to casual or new interests. If they have very specific tastes about a category, steer clear. Maybe don’t buy knives for a chef, or clothes for a fashionista. I really like office supplies, so it may be tempting to gift me some, but I won't use them. It's not that my tastes are expensive—it's that they're annoyingly specific. I have a favorite pen, pencil, and notebook. I've used literally the same pencil since my first year of college. It's perfect and I'll never use another kind of pencil, no matter how fancy. For people like this, the least risky strategy is to gift them shopping—I would love a gift certificate to a local paper goods store!
The gift of convenience
Yes, I admit, this is the category where I cannot deny that these are deeply practical gifts! But look how great they are!! I take a lot of satisfaction in having the right tools around and getting my routines dialed in. The lesson I learned is to only turn to this category for people who also feel that way.
Appropriately enough, I learned this by getting some great gifts. They all puzzled me at first—why would I need tiny microwave mitts, can't I just use my big oven gloves for that?—but now I cannot imagine life without them. An instant thermometer is useful for grilling, but I use it daily to see if the core of my microwaved food is frozen or molten. No more burned fingers! And two tiny magnetic box cutters—we keep one by the front door (for opening packages) and one by the back door (for breaking down boxes). I can't remember the last time I had to track down scissors. I can never go back!
It’s not a gift card, it’s an experience
I personally don’t like giving cash or gift cards to people I know well, for a few reasons: it’s easy to forget to redeem them, it puts work on their plate to figure out what to get, and honestly, it can feel a little sad and generic.
The big exception is when a gift card is actually the gift of a nice experience. Restaurant meals, classes, tours, museum or show tickets are obvious ones. This doesn't need to be pricey: one of my favorite gifts to receive was a planned itinerary of fun and cheap things to explore in Queens, including a nice meal at an incredible food court. I think it was $40 total, but I felt seen (all the destinations were very Me) and I didn't have to do a lick of research (which stresses me out).
A gift card can also be the gift of a nice shopping experience—maybe a local fabric, office supplies, liquor, or specialty grocery store.
[CW for this paragraph: sudden death] You can also give them gifts that transport them. New parents would always appreciate a babysitter, so they can go out feel like their old selves again. And this is a sad one, but one day I got the news that a friend’s brother died suddenly and unexpectedly during a routine medical procedure. An unimaginable loss. I haven't experienced that but I do know how exhausting and inescapable grief is. After some thinking, I gave him a gift card to the movies, with a note saying that I knew it wouldn't help with his grief, but maybe it would give him a couple hours of distraction. It felt like a slightly risky gift but, I decided to go for it, and he still talks about how that's the most helpful gift he received during that time.
For folks you don’t know well
You may ask: what do I give people who I don’t know well? Honestly, it’s tricky. If you have good ideas, please tell me! I tend to go with consumables (things they can eat or use up) or just plain nice things (that they smile when they receive and can easily regift).
But look: for teachers, service workers, and any other underpaid and underappreciated professionals in your life: don’t overthink it, just get them the most broadly useful gift card you can find. Consider it a tip.
Finer points
- TELL THEM the thought behind the gift. If you got them socks, don’t just give them socks and expect them to figure out why you got them. Tell them you got them these specific extra warm socks because you remember they were cold on their last hike, and these will let them climb even higher. You can say this verbally or put a little note in with the gift.
- If you’re in a fun-gifts-only gifting context, maybe don’t get them socks, even if they’re really nice socks. Just get the toy.
- If you’re sending a gift through Amazon, it’s convenient but not a great experience. They often miss the little slip of paper with your gift note, or sometimes it’s not in the box at all. If you must go this way, consider giving them a heads up around the day of delivery.
- Once you give the gift, let it go. Not every gift will rock their world. If you notice it's disappeared or regifted it, it’s ok. It really is the thought that counts. Give them the gift of not having to perform liking the gift to just to save your feelings.